Andy – and you thought he could change?

Andy.. I didn’t spend a lot of time with him compared to others but still where do I start?

 

I had the pleasure of having Andy contact me through an online website in August this year. I thought he was a little pushy to start with but seemed nice enough and was messaging me daily.

 

I ended up in his suburb helping a friend one night, we didn’t live far apart anyway, so I gave in to having a wine with him. When we met I found him well spoken, intelligent, funny and very charming. He told me he was the Commercial Manager for the 7 Network and had a busy role with long hours and the occasional trip away. I had nothing to base this off so I believed him as I always try to have faith in what I’m told… He said I was the kind of girl he’d love to sit on the couch with having pizza and drinking red wine and that he’d love to see me again. The next night that’s exactly what we did as we talked for hours.

 

We met most nights and went for walks, dinner and drank wine together. We both loved a wine but he also didn’t hide the fact that he didn’t mind the occasional night with recreational drugs. I didn’t have a problem with this as he is an adult, however it did cross my mind as to whether it may have contributed to the odd behaviour I experienced during the time I knew him.

 

The dissapearing acts then started over the next fortnight. Darwin first then Melbourne. Then he entirely dissapeared on the 4th week for 8 days with minimal contact. He told me he was overseeing the filming of sensitive story within the Church and that it was the worst story he’d ever been associated with in his time with 7. I felt terrible for him and with the very minimal contact it was hard to support him which made me feel even worse. You always want to be there for someone in that situation and I couldn’t be. This was just one story of many though.

 

I started to develop terrible anxiety at this point, which I realise now was my warning that things weren’t as they seemed. I ignored it, tried to hide it and mask it as I wanted to trust what I was being told. As I’ve now seen he was actually posting on sex sites searching for the best working girls around and the best girls to visit while he was away while I was left at home wondering if he was ok and where he was.. He even posted on sex sites searching for the best “massage” around 3 weeks after I met him.

 

All of a sudden Andy returned home and things were seemingly back to normal. Wines, non-stop laughs and walks around Sydney after work and on weekends. Then the odd sudden illnesses started though and were being used as a reason why he had to suddenly cancel seeing me on multiple occasions. The nights allegedly spent in bed vomiting, then the ‘weddings’ he was preparing for as he was groomsman which started to take up nearly every weekend. I still don’t believe there was either of the weddings he claimed to attend in the time I knew him but I’d be happily proven wrong..

 

Then more sudden, last minute trips occurred. Melbourne again to ‘train the new 7 network recruits’ and then the Tasmanian trips started. And occurred nearly weekly. There was even an emergency trip to attend to a sick son in hospital. There was minimal contact for 3 days and upon his return on the Wednesday we met for a wine and he told me all about the hospital, having to read a book and sleep in the hospital chair, the operation and even the conversation he had had with both the doctor and His ex-wife’s about the operation. There was no operation and thankfully no ill son but he returned looking like he’s been drinking and hadn’t slept for 3 days straight. The trip was actually spent lunching and out drinking with various women with only a quick visit to see his children.

 

On the Sunday of that week he was back at the airport on his way to Tasmania once again. This time to give away and sell his furniture from a house he had alledgedly sold in Hobart to a developer. He told me it’s just a quick trip and he will be back at 5.15pm on the Tuesday so we could see each other that night. This was never going to happen.. he was posting on a Tasmanian for sale website on the Sunday before he left that the items for sale were available to view until the Wednesday..

 

There was no house being sold to any developer as it turned out. I believe this was an end of lease clean he was doing on a house he had been renting. He even went as far as telling me he was delayed and unable to come home on the Tuesday because of a ‘caveat’ put on the property. This was apparently put on by the gardener who had cut the grass too close to an old shed and he had told council it had asbestos in it. This was now delaying the sale and there was all the address stress of lawyers and council involved now.. a big story with a lot of detail once again.

 

But as he had told me many times before when I questioned him, I was told to not put pressure on him as he has enough stress already.. I then once again told him to improve his communication and just be honest with me and there would then be nothing to worry about.

 

By this point I was very suspicious and could no longer ignore the slip ups and changes in his stories and the behaviour that was becoming more and more odd and erratic each week. One night he even told me during dinner about a minor accident he had had on the way there and that he had given the other driver a false name and driven off claiming he didn’t have his licence on him! If I ever questioned him I would be told to trust him, he would never do the wrong thing by me and that we will be ok.

 

Any text where I asked when he thought he would be home from a trip or what he had done that day out of interest would go unanswered. I questioned that and he told some story of his ex of 4 years in Sydney always demanding he tell her where he is so he now chose not to tell his partner where he was by choice. He said that he was trying to deal with it in his own head and to be a good partner. He would try to reassure me though that he was ‘learning to love a woman’ and to be patient as it was hard to communicate with me as he had ‘real feelings’ for me which he hadn’t had before. He said that all the previous women in his life were easy to keep happy as he had no real feelings, therefore he could lie and tell them whatever they wanted to hear. I should have left at that point. What sort of a man lies to their partner.. then admits it to another women! Who knows if that’s even true though.

 

It was often like I was dealing with a 10yo child who was having a tantrum.

 

He did tell me on 2 occasions that he knew the months we had spent together to that point had been bad and that he promised things will improve.  Those promises were in the same place I think all the other promises were of holidays and weekends away. Never to eventuate or be spoken of again..

 

In the time I knew Andy I wanted so badly to have faith and trust in him.. someone who told me that I can trust him and that things will get better. Seeing him posting on a singles site and on various sex sites rating the workers he had been with was the best thing I did. Suddenly all the anxiety disappeared and I felt at peace knowing the truth. I know he never worked for 7. I know his name is not Andy Merangoes as he had told me.  I know he never bought the apartment he lives in ‘to help out a friend who couldn’t afford the mortgage repayments’, also that he doesn’t have a large property portfolio or any of the other things claimed. Not that that mattered, I wanted him to just be him. Why make up elaborate stories. Is it to impress? Be something you’re not? To fulfil a fantasy?

 

I don’t hate and I’m not angry but I am hurt at what he did to me. I feel sorry for him for living a life that’s not real when in reality he just works a normal job in sales to pay the bills just like the rest of us. Be proud of that. I did want to write this simple so that other women might question what they hear and it might prevent one or two others losing financially or emotionally because of him. I lost nothing except my time. I did on more than one occasion questioned his expectations of me though and told him not to waste my time which he assured me he wasn’t going to do.

 

Thank you Andy for reminding me that not everything is as it seems at times and to trust your instincts. I like to see the good in the people I meet and choose to spend my time with. I learnt a lot. Especially that if it all seems too good to be true then it probably is..

More use and abuse…

Oh gee where do I start with this creeper?
Met him approx early 2014 off a dating site. Same old story, turned on the charm, showered with compliments, intense messages (100s a day). Like everyone else only available for day time dates and it didn’t take me long to tweak something was up. I assumed he was married, and cut contact within a few weeks of the usual pattern of ignored texts and excuses of where he was etc. being what was I thought the start of a relationship which he very much seemed to want I was like everyone else- believing I was the crazy one! He seemed very “up” and high when meeting up with him.  Assumed on something! I work in the medical profession and I recall he would mention narcotics a lot, once asking my thoughts on taking three Endone for a headache!!  He also gave the impression he was father of the year, wealthy and very busy! Mentioned the brothel, very quick to brag about accomplishments but seemed in he’s own world. I simply wasn’t interested and could see through he’s shit. Ultimately I wasn’t able to be a victim as I chose not to be. I hope you lovely ladies bring this creeper down before he does something or passes on stds or something! Would
Not trust him to not do something bad!

Double lives and grandiose lies started in 1999

When Susan sent me a message with a link to “that blog post” upset and angry at how she was going to protect her children from the man who was supposed to scare monsters from under the bed as oppose to behave like one I automatically wanted to help. I wanted to reach out and give her a hug and tell her that everything was going to be okay and that I understood the desire to protect your babies and she had my full support, whatever she needed. Then she asked me to share my story… I wasn’t sure I could do it and I’m still not sure whether the whole experience has been cathartic or somewhat damaging, but what I do know is that something has to be done because the hurt, pain and grief caused by the man in question is out of control and he has affected so many lives that it has to stop somewhere and Susan can’t fight it all on her own, she has tried and now it is time for all of us to stand up and be counted as opposed to hide in the shadows as we have done for so many years out of shame and embarrassment.
I spent many, many years feeling so terrible guilty and ashamed of the fact that I was unknowingly soley responsible for her unhappiness and that because of me two children might lose their father if she ever found out about me. I blamed myself and went through a period of severe depression and had such low self-esteem that even when I finally managed to get away from Andrew, I was so low and so susceptible to the manipulation and abuse that I merely went from one con man to another, even without direct contact he ruined a large portion of my life and I simply cannot say strongly enough just how damaging he is. It started back in 1999 and continued on and off for a period of 13 years… I was 17, I was halfway through a hairdressing apprenticeship and I was a reasonably well-adjusted person, I was at that point working 6 days a week in order to try and purchase the business I was working in and I had no real interest in finding a relationship. A friend had decided I needed a life and put a profile on an online dating site and I’m yet to decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing but, there was one response before I found out what she had done and made her take it down. He had introduced himself as Andrew, but his friends called him Andy, he was 27 and a commercial lawyer. It lasted about 3 months before I grew tired of “Houdini” as I had not so affectionately dubbed him and stopped answering his calls. He was either so full on he was suffocating or he was completely absent and I felt at the time I was far too busy to deal with a man of his age that didn’t have his shit together or know what he wanted.
I bought the salon in the December of 1999 and was happy just working, but in the January of 2000 I answered a call right on closing time, I remember hesitating whether to answer the phone or not and really wish now I hadn’t… I’m sure this is where my habit of call-screening originated! He asked for a few minutes of my time, I agreed and he went on to apologise for his behaviour, explaining to me that he had trouble with relationships in general due to his upbringing and that if I would allow him the chance he would like to tell me about it in further detail and that he knew that he had made mistakes but he wanted to learn and if I would help him that he promised to be completely open with me as he thought honesty was the best policy. We arranged to meet for a cup of coffee on the following Tuesday morning as it was the first day I had off that he was available as well.
From that coffee date we chatted on and off, but it wasn’t until the May that he told me that he wanted to call me his girlfriend and that he didn’t want to be pushy, but he wanted an exclusive relationship. I remember being somewhat offended by the suggestion that he assumed I was the type to sleep around or have multiple guys on the go and he went on to say that he was “somewhat concerned that I would even think that way, unless I was up to something.” I told him that he was already on shaky ground and unless he wanted to call me his ex-girlfriend he would be wise to back off. He did, I accepted the title of girlfriend and he ‘apparently’ appreciated the fact that I was a little feisty and from here on in he would often refer to me as his “little firecracker” whenever I called him out on his bullshit. Which I did quite a lot, he had a terrible air of arrogance even back then and it wasn’t unusual for me to tell him to pull his head in. Back then he would laugh about it and said he “liked the challenge” I provided him as not many people would talk back to him, as a lawyer he had a lot of respect. I quite promptly told him I didn’t care if he was the Queen of England, if he was acting like a dick I wouldn’t put up with it.
Somewhere in that first year he managed to put out my fire and slowly, but surely I ended up tolerating more and more and turning a blind eye to things that had previously annoyed and upset me. Things that should have had alarm bells ringing I would find my own logical explanation for prior to even asking him to justify his behaviour and I began to feel sorry for him.  By this time he was working for Westpac and said he had been given the opportunity to take on the manager’s position, he discussed the role with me in great detail and I agreed that it would be great for him and that if it was something that he wanted to do then he should definitely go for it. By the November of 2000 he was managing Tassie, SA and NSW and would often take trips to Sydney for a week or more at a time and in a way I suppose I made it very easy for him as I was still working 6 days a week and I didn’t have a lot of spare time to think or put anything together, when I bought the salon I hadn’t realised just how bad the financials actually were and it was taking a lot of my time and effort to build it back up. He would often ask how it was going and (stupidly) I would tell him how well I had done and how far back in the black I had managed to drag things.  He would often tell me that I should start using it to refinance and make things bigger and better and he would always push to become a business partner, but it was only just paying for itself and I had only just started taking a decent wage, it had become my baby and even though he said I was selfish for not wanting to, it was mine and I had invested so much of myself into that I wasn’t ready to share, but in his opinion he had invested so much into me that he accused me of hiding things from him.
By the end of 2000 I had started to notice his drinking getting way out of control, I’m not sure if it was because we hadn’t been able to spend so much time together or he was just not as good at hiding it anymore, but he would write himself off constantly and would even turn up at my house intoxicated enough that he definitely shouldn’t have been driving. He began to show an incredibly aggressive side that was more pronounced the more he drank and it was nothing for a bottle of whiskey to disappear in one night! I was (and still am) a non-drinker and I was always getting yelled at for being so boring and accused of all manner of things, the most ridiculous was that I wouldn’t drink around him because I had obviously poisoned his drinks, he would go off at the most petty little things even down to if I wore a different colour lipstick because I must have been seeing or trying to impress someone else because I knew he liked the “plum one” I used to wear… he was never physically abusive, but he made up for it verbally and these ‘episodes’ were becoming more frequent and he was way less guarded as to the things he would say and do… I never witnessed him smoking marijuana, but there is only so many times you can blame red eyes on “I got shampoo in my eye in the shower” before even the stupidest person is gonna tell you to keep your eyes shut and even though I have never experimented with it, it has its own very distinct aroma shall we say and I knew what it was, I questioned him once on why else would you reek so heavily of it and even taste like it? His response was that he had given a work mate a lift home and he had a joint in the car but he thought it was a rolled cigarette and it was probably just cigarette smoke I could taste, he had just put one out… I was a smoker myself, I knew the difference. He would often forget those times, I’m not sure if he really did forget or he just chose to pretend he did. He would after our relationship ended often say I was mentally unstable and tell people that I was a pathological liar.
I don’t really know why I tolerated it the way that I did, I began having anxiety attacks myself and I would always end up fearful every time he had a drink because I sort of knew what to expect and he was beginning to treat me as though I was nothing more than his personal punching bag, a door mat.  He was always so nice to everyone else and they thought he was such a great guy but I knew a much darker side, nobody would have believed me if I had said anything anyway so I kept my mouth shut. The relationship was in its own way starting to fall apart, I was only half the person I was when we first got together and I spent more and more time at work, I think because it was the only place I felt normal, I could just be myself and my days were filled with clients that just wanted to chatter away, they wanted nothing from me. I had begun to put on a little bit of weight at this point but I didn’t care, I was downright miserable and each day was becoming the same.
He would speak when he felt like it, criticise me for any and all number of things and when he would cancel plans because he had a work dinner or a work function and I asked if I could go too he would reply with statements like “I don’t think you’re ready to be a bank manager’s wife just yet” and laugh like I had just asked him to bump his butt against the moon. I would ask why he never took me out anymore, I felt as though he was embarrassed by the fact that I had gained an extra dress size and he replied with “a bank manager would normally choose a woman of similar intelligence, with you I made an exception, but I don’t want to broadcast the fact.” Then came the night he told me I was getting too fat and my whole World fell apart. I should have just told him to shove it and left right then, but I was so low on myself that I blamed my own appearance for why he had lost interest in me! I actually went out of my way to watch everything that went into my mouth, I wore more makeup that I ever had before and I became a doll in a way, I spoke and behaved how he told me too and I began to crave his acceptance. If only I could go back in time and kick my own behind, tell myself just how pathetic I had become, but at the time I truly believed it when he told me that he was doing it for my own good and that I would thank him one day.
By 2002 he had (apparently) become the only person keeping Westpac going and he was spending more and more time away, he was allegedly buying houses because he got excellent deals through the bank and was constantly pushing me to allow him to grow my business for me. I had always hated credit cards so I refused outright, I still had enough sense left to know that it was a bad idea, especially seeing how hard I had had to work in the beginning just to keep things afloat. I did however allow him to come in as a somewhat silent partner, I’m still forever thankful that I never signed anything, but he would often waltz in to the salon with a “hello ladies” like it was all his and all my clients regardless of age would swoon as he walked past, he had charmed the pants off all of them and became a somewhat regular face, he was beginning to behave like I worked for him he went ahead and did some renovations and he changed a lot, I was still (thankfully) in charge of the daily running of the business and he never got his hands on any of those details, he spent a lot of money that I didn’t really have to spend though. He had also mentioned doing up an old store room out the back to offer extra services such as massage etc, I had a diploma in relaxation and remedial massage and he thought that would be a brilliant idea. I much preferred hairdressing, but I entertained the idea that it would potentially boost profits and I could bring in a third hairdresser to help out.
In the September he had gotten weird again and by the November things had gotten out of control, he was always away, his attitude had gone back to the nasty, spiteful person I hated and I couldn’t do anything right. He returned from a “business trip” to Sydney just before Christmas and informed me that he was starting his own property management business. At this stage he apparently had approx. 12 properties throughout Launceston and these would be the foundation of the business whilst he worked on getting more business managing other people’s properties. Then came the interesting part, I was to put my salon up as collateral for all his start-up costs and if I “proved myself worthy” he would send me back to school to get my real estate license and I would run his business because he was too busy with Westpac to give it his full attention. I didn’t care much for property so  I had never really paid much attention to any of it, but he had essentially gone from bank manager to property tycoon overnight and I was happy being a lowly hairdresser, I didn’t want a new career.
When I confessed to him that I didn’t want to run his business and that I was actually really happy where I was, plus I didn’t think my little country salon would get him the $360,000 he was after anyway he lost it… by the time he was finished with me I was in tears and apologising for being so selfish… he proposed, I accepted and now apparently everything was “ours” not his and mine… thinking about it now I don’t even like to admit just how stupid I was, who in their right mind accepts a marriage proposal from someone who not 2 minutes before asking was quite politely calling you all the names under the sun and telling you exactly what type of piece of shit human being you really were?! In reality though, I felt like I owed it to him to say yes and that he was doing it for my benefit… I had honestly reached a point where I believed it when he told me he was doing me the favour of being with him and I should think myself lucky. I know, ridiculous right. Now I realise that he didn’t really plan to propose, it just worked to his advantage in providing a link that proved his devotion so that I would cough up the paperwork for the salon.
At this point he had begun to really ramp up his business plans, he showed me houses that he owned and he took me into some of them. He would walk up to the door, open it up and proceed to show me the process for doing a house inspection, explained all the things I would need to know if I had to do it on my own and was bragging about how much he had paid for this one or that one and said how he always had tenants because he was such a great landlord so we would never be short of business or money, he even had people on waiting lists to live in his houses! The scariest part of this story is not the obvious BS that was spewing out of his mouth, but the fact that he didn’t own any of them… I had been involved in god knows how many break and enters and had been an accomplice to invading someone’s privacy and I didn’t even know it! I sometimes think if I ever found out the poor people whose house I had been in I would love to apologise, I felt sick enough when I found out that it wasn’t legit, let alone how awful the person who lived there must have felt. Yet another thing to add to the list of things to berate myself for in the years following our breakup…
Come the June/July of 2003 I was starting to ask questions about when we were going to set a wedding date, we had been engaged for nearly 18 months and every time I brought it up he would deflect it by telling me he was too busy at work to talk about it and if I knew anything about him at all I would realise just how stressful his life had become and he couldn’t believe that I didn’t have better/more important things to think about. He had stopped hiding his drinking again and we were back to him getting drunk and either throwing up and passing out or having one of his tantrums, it was taking its toll on me and it was starting to show… I had gone from reasonably well-adjusted to thinking I must have been losing the plot and I had become somewhat obsessed with making sure I fit his image of the perfect woman, only he kept changing what that was! I didn’t know which way was up, I was barely functioning and I was starting to tire of what my life had become. He came ‘home’ (who knows where home actually was for him at the point!) after yet another trip to Sydney with a bottle of whiskey that he had apparently been given by another lawyer because he had helped him win a case and at the ¾ empty point I lost it… he hadn’t been back in my company for longer than half an hour before he began drinking and with each glass he got more and more critical, I could feel myself spiralling into the awful place I always went when he started to put me down and try to convince me I was worthless and I didn’t want to go there, I hated the anxiety attacks and I hated the after effects of them, they made me feel really sick for days as the adrenalin wore off and I snapped… I threw his ring at him so hard I left a mark right in the middle of his forehead, I said a lot of things that I wish I hadn’t said, not because I didn’t mean them but because I was annoyed that I had stooped so low to talk trash like he always did to me… I told him that it was over, there was no more and he could shove his “future” right up his a***, sideways for all I cared because I wanted nothing to do with a drunk and to forget that he ever knew me.
By the time I left I was shaking so badly I could barely walk, putting one foot in front of the other took so much concentration I wasn’t really sure how far I would make it before I had to give up. Standing up to someone who had so much control over you is never easy, but to stand up to someone you love (yes I hate to admit that I thought that was love, but in my defence I was 19/20 and had no real idea on anything) that takes courage. I managed to get just around the corner before the anxiety hit and I had to pull over and wait for it to pass. He never bothered to follow me. He did however call me and asked to talk. I met him in a coffee shop because I refused to be anywhere alone with him and he told me about how he had had this really bad case he was working on and that the bank was blaming him for things not going right and he just had to let off steam and he was so sorry…. The more he talked the more I hated what was coming out of his mouth, I hated his words and I hated him… I was putting pieces together while he was talking and right in the middle of his spiel on how he knew it was so hard on me when he was away so often I made the ridiculous statement “geez anybody would think you were already bloody married!” … the colour drained out of his face and I thought he was getting sick or something and for a split second I was concerned, that was until he said in a voice so quiet I almost misheard it “how did you know?”… well that was me done, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t do anything… I stood up threw my cup of coffee at him (dramatic I know, but he was really lucky in that moment he didn’t get the cup as well as the contents) and I walked away. I refused to answer his calls and after so many messages of apology he nearly blew up my poor old Nokia 3310 I changed my number. It was August 10th, a date I will never forget.
It was to be 6 years before I saw him again and as I mentioned before I had gone from one con man to another, I had gotten married during the time since I had left him and had 1 child.  It was a hellish 5 years, my (ex) husband was a very violent, abusive man and by the time my daughter was 3 months old and my husband had run off with another one of his women, apparently in Melbourne for a week of training (now where have I heard that before) I got a message from Andrew on FaceBook. He was apparently divorced now and loving life and he just wanted to send me a message to see if I would allow him the chance to apologise for how he had behaved way back when. He assured me that he wanted nothing from me, just the chance to make amends and that he hoped that I could give him that. I sat there with my new mum really need a haircut ponytail and briefly noted the spew stain on my tshirt and laughed at the audacity, but if he knew the trainwreck that was hiding behind my pre-baby profile picture best of luck to him. So I sent him back a message saying that I wasn’t interested in his apology and if there was anything he felt he needed to say he could do so by return message. He sent me his phone number with the plea to allow him to speak directly to me, it was impersonal online and that I could put my number on private and I would never have to hear from him again.  I didn’t bother calling.
A week later when my husband had returned home, he had one of his meltdowns (apparently I had ironed the wrong colour shirt for work that day) and I hit the deck (for the last time as it turned out), he left for work and my phone rang, I answered. I still don’t know how the hell he got my number but he immediately knew something was up… I was trying to settle my daughter, clean up the mess from the mug of coffee that had not that long ago gone flying past my head and hit the wall instead and determined not to cry… he picked up on my weird behaviour and continued to push until I finally broke down. He was apparently in Launceston, due to appear in court the next day and he was at my house within 30 minutes, I still don’t know how he knew where I lived and I hadn’t even invited him, he just showed up. My daughter was sleeping and I still regret letting him in, but I was still somewhat dazed and he knew what he was doing… he immediately showed genuine concern and gave me a hug… I ended up a bawling mess in front of the one person I disliked almost as much as my husband and found myself giving him a blow by blow account of the last 6 years of my life in between huge ridiculous sobs… I still to this day do not know why he bothered, if he was after what I’m fairly certain he was after he had knocked on the wrong door. I was desperate to get out and he knew it, I was scared and I had already confessed that I was sure that if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to and I was frightened what would happen to my daughter.
He told me to have all my stuff packed up by Monday (it was Friday at this point) that he would get this work case out of the way (he was working for Statewide by now) and he would be back for me, he would take me to his house and I would stay with him until he could help me get out of the relationship, but at least we would be safe.  I still can’t believe I agreed to it especially knowing what I did, but in front of me was the Andrew I met 9 years before and I craved the nice guy I had before the shit storm had taken over my entire life… I wanted to go back to 18 when life was so easy… so it was settled I was going to Hobart.
On the Sunday my husband was in another one of his revolting moods so I put my daughter in the pram and we went for a walk… I took the longest possible route I could think of and halfway along the waterfront I heard someone call my name. I turned to see one of my clients (I had moved from one side of the river to the other after getting married and had bought my salon with me, but only worked here for 6 years) and she was motioning for me to stop and wait, so I did… she was getting out of a car and she waved me to come up towards her, as I did someone got out of the car beside her and she introduced her eldest son as someone she really wanted me to meet. He lifted his glasses up and went to shake my hand and in a split second my whole world changed. I wasn’t going to Hobart and I most definitely wasn’t staying where I was. Turns out that day I met the one person who would make up for nearly a decade of my life, I just didn’t know it, but I did know that when you feel that kind of connection to someone and you just know everything is going to be okay even though you don’t know how that you just have to trust it… when I went home my husband had gone to the pub so I called Andrew to let him know that I had changed my mind. He didn’t ask why and he sounded distracted saying that he would get back to me later, he was really busy.
He called me back a couple of hours later and said that he was still in Launceston and that his case was taking longer than it should, but he really wanted to talk to me about what was going on so could I meet him for breakfast the next day, I agreed, thinking that he had been good enough to try and help me so the least I could do was give him an explanation. He sent a message at 7am to say that he was running late so to come to his hotel room and he would order room service so we could have coffee and eat while he was getting himself organised. I had already dropped my daughter off with my mother and in the car ready to leave so I went with it.  When I arrived he opened the door and I knew that nothing had changed, the alcohol fumes were so strong I was nearly drunk just standing in the doorway and he was visibly erratic, he invited me in and showed me where the kettle was, apparently if I wanted coffee I was making my own. He started talking immediately saying that he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be with him, I explained that I never said I did, he had offered to help me and I had accepted I definitely wasn’t asking for a relationship… he went on to say how much he loved me and how he always had and then shoved a whole heap of papers at me and said that all of it was mine if I stayed with him, he was giving it all to me… I sort of looked at it but I didn’t know what he was on about and he went on to say that he had spent all night writing up documents and that 2 million dollars of his assets were all mine, he didn’t care for them, he just wanted me… they had a proper looking letterhead and I was still none-the-wiser to what he was really like remember… but I explained to him as tactfully as I could what happened the day before and that I couldn’t really explain to him why, but I just couldn’t go… and he turned on me asking whether it was because he wasn’t worth enough money, was the other guy worth 3 mill and on and on and on he went… I have no idea whose house he was going to give me, but I didn’t want any of it and I certainly didn’t want a relationship with him, I hadn’t even gotten out of the situation I was already in let alone thought about starting a new one!
I walked out of the hotel room and slammed the door behind me, nothing had changed and I had dodged a bullet. I was thankful only for the fact that by his turning up I had been able to admit what was going on in my life and once I made it real then I could fight it… I left my husband that night and it was to be 3 years before I began another relationship, with the same guy that I had met that fateful Sunday afternoon.  Once my ex-husband found out that I had started a new relationship he decided that he wanted to make my life somewhat difficult and he came after the house which stupidly had remained in joint names as I was a single mother at the time and couldn’t get a loan to keep it in my name so I paid for it and he remained on the title until such time as I could work full-time and take it on, under the guise of making sure his daughter had somewhere to live. I was a week away from getting kicked out, I had nowhere to go and I was trying to get hold of Andrew as he had told me once that when he and Susan split up there was a loophole he had found that meant that he could remain in part ownership so out of sheer desperation I tried to track him down, he had disappeared off FaceBook so I messaged the one person I assumed would know where he was… and so here I am telling my story to the World in an attempt to help save 3 little boys and back up a friend I think very highly of and whose strength I admire yet have never actually met.

Impacts everyone!

Ive known Suse for nearly 20 years and have been privy to many a story along the way.

Even after deciding to leave him, he was still such a suffocating part of her life.

My earliest memory was after they had first met and he seemed to have moved in within no time at all and had so many outrageous stories to tell and I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to impress or whether he was just a wanker lying his way through life.

I was in regular contact with Suse over the years until she moved to Hobart and remember when she was still in Launceston, hearing they had broken up..which I found very strange as they were still very much together and in the final stages of their last pregnancy.  I mentioned this when I went to visit her and she said it wasn’t the first time she had heard it that week.

Another memory that comes to light is when he gave us a huge Coles bag full of marijuana leaf asking if we knew any one who would want it…it was evidence that had been taken during a ‘raid’ he’d done during his undercover work.

Another memory is Suse telling me how he made her think that SHE was the one going insane.  He’d tell a a story and then he’d recount it at a late date and she knew it wasn’t what he’d originally said and when she questioned him he would talk his way out of it, like she hadn’t heard the full story properly. In the end to protect her sanity she told me she had started a diary to keep notes of what he was saying so she could recheck facts he’d previously stated.

I remember her telling me he said he’d been overseas for work and came back with the pumpkin patch stuff for the kids, went on a hovercraft and bought a heap of duty free alcohol…all bullshit as he’d been in QLD with his other woman.  When Suse questioned him on where the duty free alcohol was, that he didn’t have on him after he got home, he secretly called a cab and ordered alcohol to be delivered.  Not long after the doorbell rang and he guessed it was the cab delivering the supposed duty free alcohol he’d left behind.  I believe he’d paid for it on the credit card so he was easily caught out later on.

I recall him also telling my partner when we were visiting about this very rare and highly expensive whiskey that had been given to him at work and offered him a glass.   Later that day we were at the bottleshop stocking up on alcohol and there on the shelf was this ‘rare’ and very expensive whiskey as standard stock.

There’s other random stories that I recall over the years as they popped up, but don’t have enough detail to describe and list them here.

All through this Suse has tried to make the separation as painless as possible for the boys, letting them see him and be a part of their lives.

She always made a point of never bagging Andrew out to boys, as he was still their father, but just couldn’t explain his behaviour sometimes to them.

She never had to ask much anyway as the boys would always report back what strange things had happened on their last visit to Dad.

Hopefully getting this story out will help Suse move on with her life and protect others from the crazy ways of Andrew.

More Multiple Affairs

I was reacquainted with Andy on Facebook on 23rd April 2008.  He was a year below me in Highschool and his ice breaker to me was he had a crush on me back then.  He seemed to know a lot about me already so I didn’t doubt him.

The following week he came up to lton..and we had dinner.  Straight up he was telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me.  Over the next couple of months he told me he was extremely busy at work and it was necessary for him to travel to Adelaide often to help set up the new branch of his company, Statewide.  When he was away I was lucky to get an email or text once a day..i questioned him on this and he told me to be patient and things would go back to normal soon.  At this point also I might add he convinced me to deactivate my Facebook account.

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May 10th he went to Adelaide for “business” and I hardly heard from him. When he returned he told me he had smashed his phone and lost my number..he was very frantic when I called him. June 4th Id had enough waiting and being patient and told him to go sort his sh$$ out and come back to me only when he had. He cried on the phone and told me he loved me etc etc..he even told me he was applying for a transfer and we were going to move away together!! I didn’t hear from him again until last week, I changed my mobile number and texted my whole contact list with my new number..forgot he was on it. He phoned me straight away told me he couldn’t live without me etc etc and we arranged to meet (last night) to discuss things. He told me about you XXXXX, he said you were an old work friend whom he had kept in contact with and he caught up with you and your husband, Nick regularly. There is so much more I could add regarding the lies he told. Things like referencing that Grant Tucker (a local lawyer) had passed the bar at the same time as he did. He also claimed he had represented Mick Gatto! He mentioned he’d previously had testicular cancer to gain sympathy I can only assume? He talked a lot about his relationship with his ex wife, Susan saying that they were still great friends but that her best friend had tried to join him in the shower at one point, so she shouldn’t be trusted. He mentioned when he was with living with xxxxxx briefly after Susan and he had split that she refused to allow him any photos of his kids in the house, but plastered hers all around. I knew there was something off about Andy from the word go so I kept him at arms length, my instincts were right!!! He also caused trouble for me because I’d dated someone in local government in the past and he falsely told people that this person was the father of my children and had been violent towards me. All fabrications, which infuriated the man concerned obviously. Things constantly come back to me regarding the crap he told me. He doesn’t scare me at all. I hope this helps in some way to warn others and stop him.

 

Another one, this one in Queensland

Andy dated me for a bit too. Around the end of 2011, finishing up early 2012.

We met in a night club when he was on a ‘bucks night’, although I don’t really remember any other males around at the time.

He started texting and ringing, He flew me to Melbourne for the cup,  enticing me by saying we’d be partying with the Sunrise crew, which we just never happened to run into, and also told me he’d booked us business class tickets to Hong Kong for a week holiday, which we never got around to doing (?)

There was never any mention of past partners or children.  I kind of saw him as a bloke who was a bit socially awkward, so that might have explained why he hadn’t been in relationships before.

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His stories were constantly changing, and didn’t really ever follow logical patterns. He was a ‘Lawyer’ who also “owned a traffic control company” which he “sold his share for $4M”. He previously “worked at a channel 7 lawyer”. I didn’t have a lot of interest in anything flashy – I’m not from a ritzy background, it appeared that thee stories became more elaborate the less interested I became. He took me to Tassie, once we had to leave a restaurant because ‘a client who he’d put in jail who got out of jail walked in, so we had to go’. He drove me around pointing out houses that he ‘owned’ which was kind of weird also. I have no interest in property. I never met any of his friends, but he really wanted to become a part of my friend circle. He told me he loved me a few times – which was completely out of the norm – we barely knew each other. I would never return the phrase. He constantly wanted me to feel as though he was very wealthy and happy to flash cash around. He befriended my Mum, that definitely made me uncomfortable. That was a massive red flag. We lived in separate states, he rocked up at my front door one night – which apparently he’d organised with my mum – and I was shocked – and gave a massive “what the fuck are you doing here”. He also asked to be part of my family Christmas, which I wouldn’t invite him to. He made a big effort to make me feel bad for excluding him from this. He still sends me messages occasionally. Strange picture messages of a dog, or lines of cocaine or something to do with my profession. Occasionally I reply and shrug it off, most of the time I just leave the messages unread. I?m very lucky by comparison. It makes me really sad to hear the stories of these other ladies and his children. I’m not sure what he wanted from me, or what he got from me. But I’m disappointed to read what he’s put so many other ladies through. Stay strong Queens.

 

A Brother’s Concern

27th August 2008

To whom it concerns,

I, xxxxxxxxxx, have know Andrew David Tchappat since March 2000 in his capacity as partner to my sister, Susan, and father to my nephews xxxxxxxxxxt. In that time I have found him to be an abuser of alcohol, a drug user, a narcissist and severely dishonest.

He has on multiple occasions glorified the abuse of alcohol in front of his children, and to his children. I remember one particular instance when xxxxxxxxxxwas about 2 years old of him holding the beer he was drinking up to xxxxxxxxxx’s mouth and encouraging him to drink it. This behaviour resulted in xxxxxxxxxx often asking for beer to drink, which I understood as an effort to copy his father. Andrew would laugh about this and show no recognition to xxxxxxxxxx of the potential for alcohol to be a dangerous substance. I often witnessed Andrew drink alcohol to excess in front of the children and he would be disengaged and unhelpful with all tasks related to caring for the children, leaving all the work to Susan.

On many occasions Andrew confessed his drug use to me, he would regularly smoke marijuana and try to hide it from Susan. He also claimed to regularly use ecstasy and cocaine when it was available to him. This drug abuse became apparent to me, when one night he arrived home in a psychotic state and cowered in the dark in the lounge room fearful and believing that he was being followed. Susan took him to hospital to be assessed, and he was given a perfunctory diagnosis of bi-polar disorder. I was present when he subsequently admitted that this episode was brought about by his drug use that night. I have no reason to believe that Andrew has changed his ways in this regard.

Over the years I have known Andrew he has displayed the ability to weave extremely complex and intricate stories that are relayed as fact, but which in actuality are tremendous lies. I believe that Andrew is particularly skilled in deception. An example I experienced was when he told Susan that he was required to leave her and the three children on Susan’s birthday and travel to Singapore for his work as the South-East Asian manager of Johnson-Diversey (a lie in itself). In a subsequent confession he admitted that he had in actual fact been in Brisbane conducting an illicit extra-marital affair. The level of detail he went to to maintain this lie was uncanny. He would describe his surroundings and experiences in great detail on the phone and we had little choice but to assume nothing was amiss.

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This aspect of Andrew’s personality is already showing signs of rubbing off on his children. xxxxxxxxxx has developed a habit of telling complex, detailed and blatantly false stories too, which he also presents as fact. I worry that his father’s continued influence will reinforce this habit and nurture it from imaginative play to deliberate lying. In my experience from when Andrew and Susan were still together, Andrew was generally inattentive towards his children. Susan was almost solely responsible for both practical care-giving and discipline, comfort and emotional security. The attention Andrew did pay the boys always had the appearance of “putting on a show”. He would sometimes effuse about how much he loved them, but I never once saw him play with them and he rarely took them on solo outings except at Susan’s insistence. This inattentiveness hasn’t changed since his separation from Susan. For example at 6:30pm on the 13th of August 2008 I rang Andrew’s house where the children were staying that night to speak to xxxxxxxxxx to wish him a happy birthday. Andrew told me that I couldn’t speak to xxxxxxxxxx because he had been put to bed. This was a whole hour earlier than the boys usual bedtime and is consistent with the testimony of Andrew’s former live-in lover xxxxxxxxxx, that he would put the boys to bed as early as possible so he didn’t have to deal with them. It is my belief that Andrew Tchappat is unfit to have unsupervised access to his children. I believe the harm inflicted upon xxxxxxxxxx by his example is unbearable. His poor standard of care and his dishonesty make him unsuitable to take care of himself let alone take care of his children. I sincerely hope that any access to his children in the immediate future is only allowed with the supervision of a functioning adult. Yours Sincerely, xxxxxxxxxx